To recap – So far we have canceled flights, lost luggage (we were assured would be there the next day), no car, and an amazing view. We made it, we bought supplies (didn’t know I could bill Frontier for that at the time, oh well), we found a rental car, and we’re going to dinner. The cavalcade of tragedy is over.

Or so we thought.

We had a lackluster meal at Gonzalez’s (again, their spelling) but we got back to the AirBnB with our car and plans to enjoy the beach and a bioluminescent pool the next day.

At 0330 (330am) I was awakened to… Sounds coming from the bathroom. Jen was definitely ill. I wish I could say at this point that I was a good travel partner and went to check on her, but I did not. I listened for any cry for help and let her have some privacy. I mean, we don’t usually want an audience for our bathroom duties and I was happy to oblige that courtesy.

At 0400 (4am) I was awakened to… My own body demanding that I take a run at the restroom for my own intestinal distress. I will spare you details but there was much exiting my body at a high velocity. Thank goodness there was a trash can next to the vanity.

While we can’t be sure of the cause, we have supposed that the only thing we had in common the past few days was the fish stew at Gonzalez’s. I didn’t try her icky shrimp, she didn’t want to try my icky steak, and we had separate drinks. The breakfast was sealed except for the eggs which only I ate.

Now we each have presumed food poisoning and can be no more than 10 feet away from a toilet at any given time. Over the course of that day I recovered well enough to go into town and visit the CVS for some anti-nausea and Pepto. Jen was not so lucky and could not leave the condo for the rest of our time there.

I braved a trip into town and tried to find postcards and stamps to send back something to family. I know I’m weird, but I’ve been doing it on any trip I take for years. I couldn’t find any postcards and the post office was about to close so I went and got stamps. This served double duty as I thought they might have postcards as well. No such luck.

While at the post office I asked the guy for where to get food should we begin to feel better. You know where he told me to go… Gonzalez’s. Do they bribe the locals for recommendations? Did we get to be the unluckiest people ever? Did we just happen to catch some bug at the exact same time from the airport?

So I head out to the car and get a call from the courier with our luggage – YAY! Something is going right again. We might save this trip in some way after all. I’ll be there in about 20 minutes. He says he’s only going to wait 15. Shit. (thankfully not literally)

Off to the races! I pulled up Maps and zipped up and down several roads I wondered if they qualified as roads by any real standards. I got to the gate and met the guy. Apparently security wouldn’t let him in without knowing our names and condo number. He pulled out one full-sized suitcase and I loaded it in my trunk. A quick check of the insides showed me this was our shoes and miscellany suitcase. Cool. I turned to get the other suitcase and the courier stared at me blankly.

“Where’s the other one?”

“What other one?”

“There are two missing.”

“I only have one. Please sign here.”

I signed the form and noted only one of two was delivered. I tipped the guy and sent him on his way. It wasn’t his fault, he waited, and that bag was pretty heavy. I pulled into the complex and dragged the suitcase into the condo. Jen was excited despite our illness until I shut and locked the door behind me.

“Too tired to get the other one right now?”

“There is no other one.”

We opened it up and remembered that with shoes being so heavy there wasn’t much else in this bag. A few odds and ends but nothing like our clothing. Some toiletries and I think some accessories like belts. Well, that was about worthless. I ventured back out shortly after to look for some postcards and more toiletries. Thankfully the unit has a washer/dryer and so we were able to exist with the couple of outfits we had picked up at Wal-mart. I still have the shorts actually. They’re really comfortable – not just for WM shorts, I’d put them on par with most brands except luxury.

I never did find any postcards, but I did get some bland food like crackers, ginger ale, and I braved some lunchmeat and bread. Again, as sick as we both were – Jen had it much worse.

We went to bed and hoped for a better day.

At about midnight of our second (third technically) day of vacation we landed in Puerto Rico near our AirBnB. There was another canceled flight in the middle of our day of the airports, but we begged a counter ticket person and got rushed onto another connection and made it. Also, at one point Jen was seated behind me on a flight and I elbowed her in the eye while getting my carry on down so we could rush to a connection. THAT resulted in a fuck you look and profuse apologies from me. :shrug:

Feeling relief after landing, it was weird to me to deplane using stairs. I’ve always used larger planes that board and exit using jetways. I remarked to myself that I must be living in Casablanca or at least the 50’s. It was funny in my head.

We walked into the airport with our carry on bags and backpacks to retrieve our two checked bags. Exhausted and ready to get a taxi to the condominium, we waited and waited. Finally the bags started rotating around and everyone started grabbing and heading out the door. Most people were locals or had people picking them up. Lots of celebratory hugs were had and we were feeling happy too having made it to our island paradise.

After about 20 minutes, with most people cleared out and the same bags circling the carousel we realized that somewhere in our 4-5 flight day (depending on if you count the canceled flight in the middle) our checked bags didn’t make it to Puerto Rico.

The counter lady was very helpful in helping us file a lost luggage claim and stepped us through the whole process. How many bags, what were the contents, what flights were you on, names, destination address… It’s annoying but understandable. When travel advisors tell you to always pack a change of clothes in your carry on/personal item – LISTEN TO THEM. Thankfully we did. Jen gets full credit for that. I was going to skip it because I’ve never had anything lost nor delays. Quite out of character for Mr. Plans-everything-to-the-last-detail, but we all make poor choices on occasion.

So we grab our bags and head outside to vape. On our way out we pass the car rental counters and I stopped to check on getting a car. After about 5 minutes I wonder where the personnel are at. “Oh, they closed a couple hours ago” I’m told by a kid who has an airport name tag. Apparently they just leave the lights on for fun. We head outside and look around for a cab while getting our nicotine fix.

Crickets.

Some older disheveled men and some kids from the area that work at the airport are hanging out under the canopy. The kids are vaping too and we chat in between their personal conversations. They were kids to me, but probably 16-25 in reality. One was even nice enough to let me get some vape juice since my main bottles were in the checked bags lost to the airport gods.

Finally we asked them about taxis and were told they wouldn’t start running again until about 6am. At this point we’ve been traveling in some way for about 19 hours. FML. The youngest of the kids offers to call his uncle who drives a taxi to take us to the condominium. “It won’t be cheap” he warned us, but I ask for a price before saying yes and have him call. $100. SOLD.

15 minutes of the old man trying to figure out how to steal our bags or jewelry (the kids tipped us off to the guy’s history), our taxi arrived and we got in to relax and get to a comfy bed. Off we zipped.

If you’ve never been to PR, be warned that speed limits are suggestions and traffic lights are optional – especially at 1am. We zipped along to who knows where on a foreign (to us) island sometimes on back streets. It was completely possible that our organs were about to be harvested or perhaps we were going to be robbed and dumped in a ditch. No telling. I did have the address of the condo put into my phone and the route did seem to be heading there so I let it ride.

We got to the gate of the complex and the guard took some time but found the keys for us to get inside the condo. He buzzed us through. We got to the unit, unloaded our bags, and thanked the driver profusely.

We got inside, generally got settled, and crashed.

That view is actually exactly what we had from our balcony. The place was brand new and looked immaculate.

Here is an image of the bathroom. This becomes relevant later.

This post has been two and a half years in the making, and was underwritten by National Lampoons. I wanted to give the memories time to rest and be thoroughly evaluated before writing up the unbelievable list of events. This story contains a cavalcade of mishaps and horrible events that seem like they are ripped from the highlights of the latest comedy movie. I’m not the best writer and so this may read horribly and be too wordy. I assure you, all of these events happened – some of them I even have paperwork to prove.

About the time travel restrictions were letting up in early 2021 my girlfriend, Jen, and I decided to take an extravagant (for us) trip to Puerto Rico. Neither of us have passports and so it was the best island choice we could do on short notice before travel prices started rising again.

In March 2021 we jumped on a great price for round trip flights from the mainland to PR. The trip wouldn’t be until June so there was plenty of time to buy appropriate clothing for the climate and to plan what we wanted to do while there. Our flight was scheduled to come into San Juan and then have a rental car for the week.

Our stay was on the west side of the island in Cabo Rojo. The area is much less touristy and we planned to enjoy the beach and sun while visiting some spots like the bio luminescent pools.

Purchasing of breezy attire and sunblock was completed. Our bags were packed and well under weight. I was nervous about flying for so long at one time. STL to Dallas wasn’t a big deal but the flight from Dallas to San Juan was going to be a long one for someone six feet tall and not skinny. Still, this was a big adventure and I couldn’t wait to experience a part of the US that I had never before considered a destination.

The adventure begins…

We arrived at the airport terminal at about 1030. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 1pm and so we had plenty of time to check our bags and lounge around excited for our trip of relaxation and escape from the daily trappings of Midwest life. Soon we’d be in a lush beach paradise enjoying sun, sand, and fresh seafood.

There were some storms coming into Dallas, but nothing too severe according to weather.com and we should be able to make our connection in Dallas. Wonderful news for me as someone who rarely travels unless I can get there by car.

The boarding process was smooth and easy. Jen and I had the two outside seats in an extra legroom row and before I knew it boarding was completed. The captain came on and said that we had a 15 minute delay but should take off shortly after a brief mechanical delay. Yay!

Twenty minutes later the captain announced that our flight had to be canceled due to mechanical issues that could not be fixed because the mechanic that had to certify the repair was unreachable. Not the best start, but surely we can get another flight to Dallas and make our connection with two hours between landing in Dallas and our connection taking off…

NOPE. Due to the weather in Dallas several flights were delayed or canceled and the counter ticket agent couldn’t do anything. We went downstairs and Jen got our luggage off the carousel. Outside, I called customer service and the phone agent told me the flight was still going to leave as scheduled. I had just been deplaned and retrieved my luggage. In an unusual act for me, I asked for her supervisor. Thankfully the supervisor understood and began looking for flights the next day to get us to PR.

She found it! There was actually a flight the next day at 6AM which would be about the same route to Dallas and then San Juan. She processed the transfer and I had an email before we ended the call. We would even keep the car rental because we had 24 hours to actually pick the car up. I profusely thanked the phone agent supervisor and Jen and I got on the shuttle to get my car and head home for a nap until the next day. We had been knocked down, but we were definitely not out.

We woke up and drove to the airport, parked, took the shuttle. When we got to the American Airlines baggage check, our dreams were shattered. It seems that with the Dallas weather there were an obscene amount of people now traveling and all trying to get out first thing in the morning – this meant a HUGE line to check baggage. We watched the flights update board as our time slipped away and our flight time passed. Another knock, but maybe the counter agent can help us in some way.

Once we reached the front of the line we spoke to a very nice lady who took pity on us and spent a significant amount of time to find us a way to get to Eugenio María de Hostos airport. It at least got us to the west side of the island near Cabo Rojo. At this point the rental car was gone, but we should be able to get another on this side of the island. The counter agent warned us that it would be a lot of flying, but we didn’t care. At this point we just needed to get to Puerto Rico and enjoy 4-5 days of what we had left for our AirBnB reservation.

Warning – when an airline employee tells you there is a lot of flying they are not fucking with you. Our trip to Puerto Rico took us from St. Louis to Dallas, Dallas to Charlotte, Charlotte to Orlando, and FINALLY Orlando to Eugenio María de Hostos in Mayaguez.

The very kind counter ticket lady called the gate to hold the first flight, rushed our bags to the flight, and we boarded. Finally, our vacation nightmare can begin!